Source: Used with permission author Daniel Amen
Parenting today is not an easy job. The number and array of outside influences on kids is, thanks to the internet, approximately infinite, perpetually evolving, and way beyond the reach of parents, instantly available—not to mention sometimes antithetical to healthy development. At the same time, many parents are confused about what kids need most. The result is a mental health crisis among young people today. But it doesn’t have to be this way.
How do you define mental strength?
Basically, being mentally strong means being confident, kind, responsible, and resilient.
What do you consider the elements of mental strength? And how do they contribute to well-being?
The elements of mental strength include being able to cope with everyday stress and major life events, which helps kids feel calm and happy rather than being overly stressed and anxious. Being mentally strong also helps kids stay focused on the important things in life, so they can achieve their goals in school, relationships, and, eventually, their career. Mentally strong kids are able to say no to things that aren’t good for them, and making good decisions is the foundation for a healthy, happy life.
What is the need for this book? Do you find that kids are not as mentally strong today as in the past? And, if so, why?
Kids today are struggling with mental strength. With the advent of the internet and social media, children and teens are experiencing trouble with focus and attention, low self-esteem, and increased anxiety. They’re also dealing with rising levels of mental health problems. For example, teen girls are reporting record levels of depression, and, sadly, statistics show that suicide is the second leading cause of death among teens ages 15 to 19.
Although half of all mental health disorders show up by age 14, research published in 2020 shows that kids up to age 25 experience the longest delay from the onset of symptoms to the time they receive treatment.
Anxiousness, low moods, and lack of focus make it harder for kids to be mentally strong.
What are the goals mentally strong kids live by—and how do they come to know what the goals are?
Mentally strong kids know what they want in life, have a sense of purpose, and understand how what they do can help (or hurt) others. Adults can help kids define these objectives by engaging in a goal-setting exercise with them.
Ask them questions, such as these:
- What do you enjoy doing?
- What would make you happy?
- How can you show people that you love them?
- What do you think is your purpose in life?
Then ask them to write out on a single sheet of paper what’s important to them in the key areas of their life: relationships, school/chores/work, and personal self (physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual). When they’ve completed their goal sheet, place it somewhere they can see it every day. This helps keep them focused on the big things that are important to them.
What parenting practices breed mental strength in kids?
When it comes to effective parenting that breeds mental strength, remember these two words: firm and kind. Being firm means that when you say something, you mean it and will back it up. Being kind means doing it in a loving way that shows you are rooting for your child to succeed and have compassion for them. Think of it as loving discipline. This style has been called consultant parenting, and it makes it much easier to help your child become a competent and confident adult.
What parenting practices work against mental strength in kids?
Trying to make life as easy and smooth as possible for your child and rescuing them whenever they get into a jam can backfire. This helicopter-parent approach doesn’t empower kids with the skills and mindset required for success in the real world. It robs them of mental strength and makes them dependent on others.
Another common style of parenting, the drill-sergeant approach, by which you gain a child’s compliance through anger, intimidation, or fear, takes away their mental strength. Acting like an authoritarian disempowers kids and often leads to children who are anxious and fearful.
On the flip side, permissive parents, who take a laissez-faire approach to parenting, provide no structure, rules, or limits. They think this is giving kids freedom to be creative, but, in reality, it’s stealing their sense of safety and security. Studies show that kids with permissive parents are more likely to have mental health problems later in life, and research finds that they are less likely to succeed in school.
Parenting Essential Reads
What elements in the contemporary culture work for mental strength in kids?
One of the silver linings in contemporary culture is the wealth of opportunity for young people to engage in some form of service, which helps them feel like their life has meaning. A 2023 study reported in JAMA Network Open found that kids and adolescents who volunteered at school, church, or in their community were more likely to be flourishing and less likely to have anxiety or behavioral problems.
What elements in the contemporary culture work against the development of mental strength in kids?
Social media, texting, and instant messaging are making it more challenging for kids to develop mental strength. These tech tools make it harder to bond, they increase self-isolation, and they can negatively impact self-esteem.
If you had to single out one parenting practice as having the most influence in either direction regarding mental strength, what would that be?
One of the simplest yet most powerful parenting practices is noticing what you like about your child’s behavior more than what you don’t like. Focusing on what your child is doing wrong in an effort to correct bad behavior ultimately teaches your child to behave badly to get your attention. Focusing on what your child is doing right encourages more of that behavior, boosts their self-esteem, and strengthens the parent-child bond. A good rule of thumb is to notice the behaviors you like in your child 10 times more than the behaviors you don’t like.
What do you mean when you say that you have to address the brain and the mind?
The brain creates the mind. This means if we want our children to have a strong mind, we must first ensure they have a healthy brain.
Which practices address the brain, and which address the mind?
Many things either help or hurt the physical functioning of the brain. Encouraging kids to be physically active, providing nutritious foods, making adequate sleep a priority, and protecting them from head trauma all support optimal brain health. Teaching kids to question their negative thoughts, encouraging them to solve their own problems, and letting them live with the consequences of their mistakes strengthens their mind.
What are the signs by which parents know they are raising mentally strong kids?
Source: Used with permission author Daniel Amen
Signs of mental strengths include being kind and respectful to others, being willing to make a reasonable level of effort when trying something new, having the self-control to say no to things that aren’t good for them, having the confidence to look for solutions to their everyday challenges, completing chores without arguments, and finding ways to entertain themselves.
If you had to limit yourself to one item, what one idea or insight would you like people to get from this book?
It’s the combination of optimizing a child’s brain health (and your own) and implementing proven parenting strategies that makes it easier to raise mentally strong kids.
About THE AUTHOR SPEAKS: Selected authors, in their own words, reveal the story behind the story. Authors are featured thanks to promotional placement by their publishing houses.
To purchase this book, visit Raising Mentally Strong Kids
